“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life”

I have been dreadfully uninspired lately. It has been way to cold to take my camera out to capture the beauty of the snow and the under saturated colors of the countryside. So instead – when I am stressed or bummed out – even completely emotionless, I put in my favorite cd and drive. Drive anywhere. Down roads I know nothing about and just look. Watch. Listen. Pray. Imagine. Take in the world around me and reflect. Lately, I have been thinking about this past year. It has been quite a whirlwind and I sometimes have a hard time even accepting that I really experienced all that I did.

I can honestly say that it was one of those “life changing” years for me. I know I have changed and grown a lot. I would like to say that I have matured… but you would have to ask those that are closest to me for a confirmation on that

I traveled more in this past year than I have in my whole life, seeing not only immense and unspeakable beauty in the faces and various landscapes surrounding me, but also pain, desperation, and injustice. I saw this world in a whole new light. The things we shy away from and would prefer to be ignorant of were shoved into my hands as if God Himself was asking me what I was going to do about it. And I was faced with the question of what I could do about it… or even, what I wanted to do about it. I still have these questions and on sleepless nights, the faces and stories I encountered bounce around my mind  challenging me to never forget.

This year though, I realized that I can make a difference in this world. As cliche as it sounds, it starts with me. I am not currently making any huge plans to change the world, but I am however, trying to figure out what this means for me, and where I start. I know how it feels to take that big “step of faith” only to fall flat on my face, left only with questions as to why I was asked to take that step in the first place, but knowing in my heart that it was necessary. I realize now, how important it is to surround yourself with like-minded people. Ones who share the same passions and heart as you. I wake up every morning to the map on my wall and know that some of the people I love the most in this world are scattered throughout the continents – at times this makes me sad – because selfishly I want so badly for them to all be with me and a part of my everyday life, at other times though, I am excited to hear the things they are doing and the paths they are on.

I see how there truly is a time for everything and many different seasons we will go through.  Sometimes we have to learn lessons the hard way… and sometimes we have to learn these same lessons many times before we actually get it. I learned it is possible to be really happy – but completely dry and empty at the same time. I had some of my most difficult trials this year, but I know for certain that there are plenty more to come. Times that will undoubtedly test my faith – but they will also  help me to develop perseverance and help me through that painful road to “maturity”.

2009 was to me, a turning point… and I look forward to 2010 and what it has in store for me, my family, and my friends. When I think about it I can’t help but feel hopeful. There are so many things I hope to accomplish this year and I know that if I play it smart, I can accomplish them as well as so much more.  So as we all go about saying good bye to the past year and the trials and triumphs we faced, I would like to wish you all the best for 2010. I pray for your success and thank you for following me on my journey this past year!! There are so many of you that played a huge part in my journey and I am so thankful for you.

God Bless!!

LOVE Bee <3

I miss this girl soooo much!!!
Kristin Boscaljon – I seriously miss you so much that my heart hurts.
Thanks for being there for me even though we are 2,589 km’s away from each other [ i googled it]!!! LOVE YOU!

Answer to Prayer!!!
As most of those who are close to me know, since I got back from my DTS [in September] I have been unable to find a job. Except for the offer from Starbucks that I turned down… I just had this feeling that if I stuck it out, something better would come around.
So I waited… and waited… then I kept waiting… it is now December my friends and I have been technically unemployed since March [taking into account the 6 months I was away with YWAM]. I will do the math for you – 10 months.
I have been done DTS for about 4 months [which is crazy enough in itself] and I have learned the value of money, the blessing of the greatest grandparents and mother who have occasionally helped me out so I can do more than sit in my room and watch LOST or read… I have also learned that my friends are also generous.
I will admit, I was getting pretty stressed out about the whole money situation because it’s not something I have really had to worry about in my “adult” life.
Anywho…… the point is, in the back of my mind, I knew that I would get offered a job again at the place I used to work. I just had NO idea I would have to wait this long!!! I remember praying about finding a job and this whole time, in the back of my mind, the name of the company I work for kept sticking there. So I thought… PERFECT! I loved it there. I love the people and the job and learning new things everyday. Seriously though, I had no idea I would have to wait this long.
And although I have been pretty lax lately with my relationship with God… He decided it was time to Bless me even more! even though both of us know I don’t deserve it.
I am more than excited to be working again and I start on Monday!! I also think that a public acknowledgment and thanks to God is in need because without Him… my life would be a heck of a lot more stressful and boring.
I am amazed though that even when we aren’t Faithful – He is SOOO true to His word and He will take care of us.

First and foremost, I would like to give a shout out to my neighbor for braving the weather and shoveling off the entire driveway and brushing off my car so that I can actually leave the house today. Also for swearing in front of my gramma… kids these days…
anyways, just wanted to acknowledge his “Good Samaritan-ness”
here are a few pics from what I woke up to.

I recently encountered a life lesson.
Some people are dead set on self destruction and you can do nothing to help them. They want you to be there for them in the middle of the night when life throws them into the crashing waves, sometimes they want you to hold their hand the entire way – but once you’ve reached a certain point they want nothing to do with you or the ones they love. They are often times the ones who think it wise to give you advice on how to live your life when they choose to be completely blind to the things going on in their own. And they are also the ones who like you to think they have it all together.
But… the life lesson begins here… and it was a hard one.
There comes a point when you can do no more. When you realize that there is absolutely no point in continuing with the charade. When you have to let go of their hand and let them fall. And while they are laying there on the ground – the only thing you can do is pray they find the strength to get back up and learn to walk on their own.
This is not a complete abandonment – it is a realization that you can’t fix everything, and sometimes the battle was not even yours to begin with.

woke up at 5:15 am
volunteered at the Central Alberta Womens Emergency Shelter Fashion Show
Became “Champagne Bottle Opener Extraordinaire”
Had Show completely cleaned up by 9:30
went home
saw the beautiful day- grabbed camera- headed out!
snow started raining down putting an end to my photographing
Felt defeated by natures unpredicted by the meteorologist massive snowfall
went to the Thrift store! [Value Village]
purchased book on “The Science of Emotion”
went to Starbies – got Tea
Found out the are discontinuing my favorite tea [sad day] – but got it freeeeeee b/c of my “connections”
decided to head to Red Deer College to talk to Admissions
Thought I wanted to take Psych … then she confused me
now I sit – thoroughly confused and not knowing what I want to do with my life.
…waiting…waiting…waiting… for my phone to ring with the call I have been expecting all day.

Where I am: My House
What I’m Doing: Nothing…
What I’m listening to: MuchMusicTop10 [10.T.Swift(15)9.B.Spears(3)8.Ke$ha(TiKToK)7.Cascada(Evacuatethedancefloor)]
I can smell: The Oatmeal Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins I made for my G-pa
I want: The Energy to do something
I really don’t like: That Chocolate is considered “Junk Food” how can something so good be bad???
I wish I had: Kettlebells today…
I would drop everything right now to: …I don’t even have anything to drop…haha
I am looking forward to: having something to do one day
I wish: I was going to Hawaii with Tina next week…
I want to be [today]:  in Vancouver

I have been extremely challenged lately by so many things God has been putting on my mind. Which is so good and I am so thankful that I am going through these thoughts and examining my heart and my Faith so intensely. But it has some downsides as well because I realize how far I am from where I would like to be.

One of the many things burning in the back of my mind is a challenge towards the end of the book ‘Crazy Love’ by Francis Chan. In this he describes how his mother-in-law has this captivating and intimate relationship with the Lord. He goes on about how she can’t wait to wake up and spend time reading His word, or hours on her face worshiping Him, or even the comfort of kneeling beside her bed in earnest prayer. As I was reading this I realized to myself that I am so far from that. How many times do I go through a day and give God [the Creator and King of this entire universe!!!!] the last usually incomprehensible words from my mouth before I escape to dream world? And when I pray before a meal, how many times do I rush through throwing Him a ‘thanks for the food…. please help the calories not stick to me like glue…’? How many times to I prefer to do things I want to do and feel I am entitled to, rather than spending that time with the only Father I have ever known? How many times do I take for granted the countless blessings He repeatedly hands me, though we both know I have done nothing to really deserve it. Why am I one of those people that knows all those beautifully and perfectly formed phrases to make me sound so spiritual when in reality I understand so little of it?

And it’s not like I am choosing to walk away from the Faith that has become a part of who I am and reveals to me the person I aim to be… it’s just that I am so tired of getting so close to realize I have had it wrong all along. I feel this urgency deep inside of me to get to know the heart of God. To accept this thing we know as Grace. To fall in love with God. To.fall.in.love.with.God.

I don’t even know what that means. Really. I have met Him. I declare myself as one of His. I have given Him my life. I run into His arms like a child-I have also run the other direction. But this whole “Falling in Love” with Him has really got me thinking… as well as a little freaked out. I have never been ‘in love’. I have been… ‘In Lust’ and ‘Infatuated’ but never ‘in love’ and I know that I would so much rather Fall In Love with God to learn what love really is,what defines beauty through His eyes, how to be the person He created me to be, before I actually do meet my Prince Charming.

So I have challenged myself and petitioned God to help me to Fall in Love with Him. To help me not get distracted… to run this race to get that prize… to walk out what Love is… to become that woman in Proverbs 31… to develop the strength of Esther… the dedication of Ruth… and so on.

So what I want to do, is to challenge you to seek after God with intensity. To fall madly in love with Him. To accept this grace He gives us and continue on this wild adventure of Life and like it says in John 10:10 – life to the full. To do so much more than merely exist, or get to heaven but only as one escaping the flames [1 Cor 3:15]… to get to Heaven and stand before God… to see displayed before you the definition of ‘Holiness’ to hear those beautiful words “Well done my good and faithful servant” spoken to you and see the One you LOVE with all your heart, the One you have waited so long to see. It is so beautiful. It overwhelming really to think about all of this. I know without a doubt that I need more of God in my life, and I am going to find Him and figure out as much of this as I possibly can while I am here on Earth. I need to Fall in Love with God because things aren’t working out the way I want them to with the way I am living my life.  The crazy part in this though, is that we need God to help us fall in love with Him… because we can’t actually do it on our own. He has really thought this whole thing out.